Its been a few months since I last posted. I don't know how many times I started to write and I either had nothing to say or it meant that I had to deal with my mom being terminally ill. Mostly I have been avoiding dealing and of all people I know better but that is why we are human. Defense mechanisms result from survival mode during stressful times and thats what I am in along with my family. Unfortunately this post is a completey different tone, filled with the opposite emotions, and full of dissapointing news than my last post in May.
As most know the chemo was no longer working according to my moms latest scan on June 25. June 22 was one of the most joy filled days as we welcomed our beautiful baby girl and only two days later was one of the most devastating days of my life aside from the day she was diagnosed on December 29 2011. I sat in my hospital room staring at the building across the parking lot where my mom had been admitted to. I was sad. Sad that I couldn't go see her when she was only a parking lot away and sad that our family was just told that our biggest fear was coming true. To be hit with mounds of joy and sadness at the same time is so overwhelming and beyond what I think we can control . There is guilt for feeling happiness during so much sadness and vice versa. I wasn't and still am not really sure what to feel. My mom and family chose to stop treatment and she has been at home since she left the hospital. Its hard to accept the words "there is nothing else we can do" and you just want to be angry at them because in your eyes the doctors are giving up. But in reality they aren't the ones your really angry at. Cancer.. Thats the only evil in the picture.
I still am not sure I understand His plan yet. It just seems so cruel. But I have faith and hope. Something my mom instilled in me as a child. These next few months will be the hardest months of my life. I know that I will eventually get through this and one day I will be filled with nothing but joy when I think about my mom. She is something special and I am not sure what I am going to do when the good Lord finally decides he is ready for his new angel. Life without her just doesn't seem right. I hate talking about her being gone because she is still here but its reality and its what I am faced with right now. I am so proud of her. She has fought and is still fighting a good fight.
Even though she is weak and tired she is fighting hard. She got in the pool with us this weekend. Something that would have been really easy to say I am too weak to do but she didn't. Anyone that knows her, knows that her biggest joy in life is being surrounded by family. When it feels like we are not doing enough to help her, I try to remind myself that our presence is much stronger than any act of service. It puts a smile on my face the way she lights up when she hears Sterling. They have a special bond and she loves him "to the moon and back". I know I will always have someone to protect him.
