Missing You

This is the first post I have made since a few days after my mom's funeral. I can not believe that it has been 15 months since she left this physical earth and joined the angels above. I still miss her just as much as I did the day she left us. People always say "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them" whenever they lose a loved one, but this could not be a more true cliche statement. Something happens daily that I wish I could tell her about or vent to her about. My kids are meeting major milestones that I wish more than anything that she was here for. The thought of her not being here for these things is the most painful part. She was an amazing grandmother and would have been a major influence in my kids lives. 

Yesterday was the second annual walk for Pancreatic Cancer that we had without her . We raised almost 2500 for the fight and I can not tell you how much I appreciate those of you that supported us!  We have been doing this walk for years in support of my grandmother, and now there is another name I have to add to that ""walking in honor of" sign. Just writing her name is a task that sends pains shooting through my heart. Sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe thinking about her being gone. I am not a believer in 'time heals all' right now and I don't see how it is possible for any of these wounds to be healed. Scars are permanent, but this is more than a scar. It's a chunk of my heart that is missing and will be forever. I just flat out miss her. 

I don't cry much about it anymore, I just try to mask the deep rooted feelings of sadness that exhume me. Yesterday I told Sterling that we were walking for Gigi. On the way to the walk he said " mommy where is Gigi?" I said " Remember she is in Heaven with Jesus in the sky" He then said " I want to go to the sky with Gigi and Jesus and see Gigi" I almost lost it and just smiled at the innocence that he was. I wanted to say " me too buddy me too". 

Rest in Peace Sweet Momma

As most everyone knows my sweet momma became an angel on August 5th 2012. I had been at the house Thursday and Friday as she began to worsen, but was still able to communicate. Friday every time she looked at me she cried as if she knew what was going to happen.  I wish I would have been aware of more signs, but I also tend to think that we block out what we don't want to see.  Friday I cried with her and just told her how proud of her I was.  And how she had instilled family in us and we were going to take care of each other.  She didn't say a word throughout the entire conversation until we started talking about her mom.  I told her that although she had to leave many that she loved, she was going to get to see her mom that she had missed for so many years.  Then she said "I missed seeing her".  I didn't catch on to it at the time, but looking back I believe that she had already seen her.  The transition phase to the after life is so interesting and something based purely on faith, but encounters like this only reinforce those beliefs.

We didn't go over there on Saturday, but Sunday we were all outside swimming and laughing having a good time and I know she heard us.  I looked up in the sky and saw the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen.  The clouds had a split in them and the sun rays were shining through them.  I showed my sister-in-law, brother, and Shon and Ticia said "It looks so Heavenly".  Then as everyone else had gone inside I sat outside by myself for a little while and a hummingbird flew up right in front of me. It hung out for a little bit and then flew up in the sky.  My grandfather fed the hummingbirds when he lived with us and I hadn't seen one since. A few hours later, my mom took her last breath with my dad standing at her side.

Last week as I prepared for her funeral, everything was such a blur.  She had always talked to me about how losing her mom was the hardest week of her life and as she prepared for the funeral she was in such go mode that she did not allow it to sink in.  Well we are exactly alike because I was planning and going non stop last week that I didn't stop to think about what life without her would be like.  I don't think I slept more than 2 hours each night last week before the funeral on Friday.

I have felt nothing but numbness since she passed.  I haven't even had a big break down and sometimes I feel guilty about that.  Tuesday night as I prepared to do her makeup on Wednesday I started to freak out and thought that I couldn't do it.  I know most people aren't able to apply the makeup on their loved one but she did it for her mother and I felt like I needed to do it for her.  It was important to me that she looked like herself as much as possible, even though it was only the shell of her soul.  I had to remind myself that she is no longer in pain and this physical body was holding her back from being free.  Wednesday morning I woke up with a sense of calm throughout my body.  I truly believe it was her helping me through something that meant so much to me, just as I believe she was right by my side at the funeral as I read the poem she wanted read and the letter I wrote to her.

These few days after the funeral have been some of the worst.  Its like the world is moving on with their lives and I am supposed to too.  How do you do that?  I have to go back to work next week and get into a "normal" routine when my life will not be normal ever again.  I guess I will gain a new sense of "normalcy".  Many times in the past few days I have just stared at her picture and wished that I could hug her and feel the warmth of her body and the comfort of her soul. She could always make me feel better and life my spirits. She was my best friend and even as Sterling came down with strep this week I wanted so badly to call her and ask her what tricks she had up her sleeve.  I know that time will allow for healing but I will never stop missing her. My dad texted me today and told me that a humming bird flew up about a foot in front of him and stayed until he moved.  She will always be with us and watching over us.

I have had a few requests to post the letter that I read at the funeral that I wrote to my mom.  The Poem that I read is called The Dash and everyone should read it.  She requested that it be read at her funeral.  Here is the letter to my mom:

Mom,

Im not really sure where to begin with you. There are so many things I feel for you that are too strong to put into words. We always just got each other. From the time Cory and I were born you and dad made unbelievable sacrifices for us that at the time we had no idea about and probably took for granted on many occasions. I don't remember a single cheerleading event or softball game that you were not at. Im sure that there were times that my stuff conflicted with Corys but you somehow managed to make it to both events. You were always right by my side for anything I needed . You were a sounding board for a teenager that had so many questions and curiosities when trying to find out who I was and what my purpose in life was. You supported every dream I had in life matter how big it was. There was never a time I didn't feel like my mom didn't have my back. 

Now don't get me wrong, I am 100% your daughter and I am pretty sure we had many knock down drag out fights that drove dad and Cory crazy because they seemed never ending cause we both had to have the last word. We are both so opinionated, strong willed, stubborn, and full of ideas which at times was a recipe for a never ending fight that we both always ended up in tears appologizing to each other. Now the appology took a couple of days and sometimes weeks due to stubborness on both sides, but we still did it. We are so much alike that it used to drive me crazy and now it makes me proud. 

I won't get into how proud of a daughter I am because I think you know, and I will spare eveyone the tears. I know that on my birthday on Tuesday I wasn't sad, but thankful that God chose me to be your daughter. Because of my career path, I have seen so many young girls grow up without a role model and I just feel so lucky to have had you as mine. 

I never understood when you told me that you were going to be my enemy at some point and then it would transition to my best friend. Now I get it. I definitely thought you were my enemy in high school and sometimes I thought you and dad's goal was to make me miserable, now to only understand you were helping me make choices that I wasn't ready to make. Thats what good parents do and I have two amazing ones.

You were so incredibly talented. Everything you did you were good at and it used to make me so mad! You knew everything too. I have clear memories of crazy food dishes that you would make every night and I would roll my eyes because you knew I was picky but made it anyways. Now im going to have to google everything because I knew I could call you asking what some crazy spice was and you knew exactly what aisle in the grocery store I could find it on. Or if I had a question about gardening it was like you had memorized every flower and plant book ever made. I just always remember asking you "how do you know this stuff?" You were a beautiful painter and so incredibly creative even though you were your own worst critic. Thank you for passsing that talent along to me. It makes up for the awesome migraines that you passed along as well.

Most people would say "I wont' speak for dad and Cory" but Im going to go ahead and speak for them because you and I always spoke for them growing up so why change now. As a wife I hope to be half of what you were for dad. Growing up and even more now I never questioned your love for him. You took care of him and I can't tell you how thankful I am to have a relationship to model my own marriage after. He always had your back even though I tried many times to persuade him to be on my side, and sometimes it almost worked. You were a mother to a son and now he has a beautiful wife that he treats like he would treat you. 

You are a beautiful soul and I think last night was a testament to how many lives you touched. Your passion in life was just to help someone in need and you did it so well. I heard over and over last night that "your mom was special" and thats all anyone had to say. I know how hard you fought and thank you for that. I will never be the same without you but I will never be without you in my heart. You will forever be my hummingbird.

I love you.

Overwhelming Emotions

Its been a few months since I last posted. I don't know how many times I started to write and I either had nothing to say or it meant that I had to deal with my mom being terminally ill. Mostly I have been avoiding dealing and of all people I know better but that is why we are human. Defense mechanisms result from survival mode during stressful times and thats what I am in along with my family. Unfortunately this post is a completey different tone, filled with the opposite emotions, and full of dissapointing news than my last post in May.

As most know the chemo was no longer working according to my moms latest scan on June 25. June 22 was one of the most joy filled days as we welcomed our beautiful baby girl and only two days later was one of the most devastating days of my life aside from the day she was diagnosed on December 29 2011. I sat in my hospital room staring at the building across the parking lot where my mom had been admitted to. I was sad. Sad that I couldn't go see her when she was only a parking lot away and sad that our family was just told that our biggest fear was coming true. To be hit with mounds of joy and sadness at the same time is so overwhelming and beyond what I think we can control . There is guilt for feeling happiness during so much sadness and vice versa. I wasn't and still am not really sure what to feel. My mom and family chose to stop treatment and she has been at home since she left the hospital. Its hard to accept the words "there is nothing else we can do" and you just want to be angry at them because in your eyes the doctors are giving up. But in reality they aren't the ones your really angry at. Cancer.. Thats the only evil in the picture.

I still am not sure I understand His plan yet. It just seems so cruel. But I have faith and hope. Something my mom instilled in me as a child. These next few months will be the hardest months of my life. I know that I will eventually get through this and one day I will be filled with nothing but joy when I think about my mom. She is something special and I am not sure what I am going to do when the good Lord finally decides he is ready for his new angel. Life without her just doesn't seem right. I hate talking about her being gone because she is still here but its reality and its what I am faced with right now. I am so proud of her. She has fought and is still fighting a good fight.

Even though she is weak and tired she is fighting hard. She got in the pool with us this weekend. Something that would have been really easy to say I am too weak to do but she didn't. Anyone that knows her, knows that her biggest joy in life is being surrounded by family. When it feels like we are not doing enough to help her, I try to remind myself that our presence is much stronger than any act of service. It puts a smile on my face the way she lights up when she hears Sterling. They have a special bond and she loves him "to the moon and back". I know I will always have someone to protect him.

A Very Special Mother's Day

This is a post that I have been working on for a while, and I wanted to post it yesterday but I have been struggling with this one. Its a touchy one and I don't want it to be all sadness and tears, but I wanted to share it.

My mom's and my relationship has been defined by many years of love, bickering, always having to have the last word, love, deep conversations, trust, love, honesty (sometimes too honest), stubbornness, and most importantly love.  My dad even called us identical twins this weekend while celebrating Mother's Day.  Growing up, we were constantly bickering and arguing and my dad and brother were consistently annoyed by us.  But the second I had a problem or needed advice I turned to her.  She knew everything about me.  She can read me like a book, mostly because I am just like her.  I think like her, enjoy the same things as her, and it is definitely safe to say that she is my mother. Her creativity was something I admired in her growing up.  I was always so proud to show my friends what my mom had made, and anything they wanted made they would go to her.  I wanted to be just like her and now I find myself diving into these crazy projects like she would. We both drive our husbands crazy, but then they love the end product.

I have always relied on her for everything.  I have always known I can ask her anything and nothing is too embarrassing.  Before she stopped working, I would drive her crazy with all of my phone calls because if I wanted to know something (and I was very impatient and wanted to know the answer right then) I would call her about 7 times a day until she told me to stop calling.  When I went to college, I would call her to ask her where something was exactly in the grocery store. Or if I was trying to experiment with cooking and I didn't know what a certain ingredient was I would call her.  She not only told me where it was but helped me understand what it was and what you use it for.  I still do this to this day because I swear she is an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to food, gardening, or crafts! I have yet to find something she doesn't know what it is or how to use it.

She has been my rock during some really tough times in my life and was never anything but supportive.  Looking back on growing up, I think about how many times I was so angry at her and how she just took it and knew it was what was best for me at the time.  I now understand that as a parent, and understand why she said that you are the enemy first and then the friend. I felt like she was my enemy in high school, when in reality she was my biggest ally, and today is my best friend.

Even today she drives me crazy playing devils advocate at times, or telling me to use the stupid netty pot when I have a cold when I tell her 10 times a week that I hate that thing, or when she calls me and makes sure that I have doctor's appointments scheduled for me and Sterling, or if I remembered to do this or that.  With everything that has happened, those little things that always drove me crazy and still sometimes do, I am so thankful for and they make me smile.  Because that's what mom's do.  And she is why I am the person I am today, because of all those little things, and because she loves me.

Obviously Mother's Day is special for us.  It always has been, but we also take it for granted a lot of times and it's not until you are faced with losing someone that something like Mother's Day becomes so special.  It just the way human beings work.  We had a low key Mother's Day and just hung out at my parents house and cooked out and Sterling swam and we were just a family.  Which is better than any material gift I could have thought of.

I just wanted to share how much I love my mommy.  I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day with your families!

Update on Mom

Its been a while since my last post and I know a lot of people are wondering how my mom is doing so I decided to do a quick update. There really hasn't been a lot of new changes lately. She is still going to chemo every week and is now 3 weeks on and then has a week off. They lowered her pain medication a little so that she wasn't out of it and tired all the time, but I think she is now feeling some aches and pains that she wasn't feeling before. She has recently been getting sick more often than before but its no where near what it was when she was in the hospital. The doc just said its just part of chemo.

She is already due for another CAT scan next week so that of course will tell us much more. I just hope I can keep my blood pressure down that week! I know I haven't posted any deep posts lately and to be honest I can feel myself avoiding the whole situation and acting like everything is back to normal. When things are good and you have good news from the last CAT scan its easy to go on with your life and pretend the word terminal doesn't exist anymore. Hopefully soon I will be able to let it all out but until that time I will try to continue to update with the facts.

Take care and God Bless Everyone and their families!

Prayer Warriors

My mom has had a lot of good days lately. He has been able to keep food down and actually enjoy food. She is getting stronger by the day and I am so grateful that she is able to get back to herself.. Somewhat. She has been given the opportunity to fight by her body rebuilding and allowing her that chance. The Devil seems to kick you when you are down and she kept fighting back and is slowly turning the tables on him.

Tomorrow is a huge day for our family she goes in around 10 to see her doctor and then her CAT scan at 11:30. The scan will tell us if the chemo is working or not. Doc said it was an all or nothing thing and it's either working or it's not. If its not then she is faced with a decision to move on to a more intensive chemo or stop treatment completely.

I haven't slept in three days and I don't think the rest of my family has much either due to anticipation and anxiety about this scan tomorrow. She is understandably freaking out about it and I'm just ready for it to be over. I think the doctor said he would call her some time on Friday with the results.

I know everyone has continuously kept her in your prayers, and I truly believe that has played a major role on her getting better. Please send a few extra her way tomorrow as she has this scan. I will keep everyone updated.

Week 7 of Treatment

Week 7 of treatment

My mom just had her 6^th chemo treatment (she missed a week on the 7 week treatment plan) and things are really going well. It seems as though her doctor finally found the right combination of medicine and she is starting to get her energy back and FINALLY is no longer getting sick anymore! Last week they did some extra blood work beyond what they normally do every week and found that she is now pre-diabetic which is fairly common with pancreatic cancer. The medication that she is on for that really seemed to be the turning point when she stopped getting sick, her color started looking much better, and she has slowly started to get her energy back and feel as though she can do things outside of lying in bed and watching T.V. Her spirits seem to have lifted which is the most exciting part to me. She was feeling so crappy that I can only imagine what it felt like. Heck I want to lye around and watch T.V. all day and take naps and I am just pregnant!

She has her CAT scan scheduled for Wednesday of next week and the doctor said that he would call her with the results within two days. He originally said he would go over them the next week at chemo but she told him that wasn’t going to fly and she needed them sooner J Sounds just like my mom huh? He was very pleased with her progress and seems optimistic but of course they can’t make any educated guesses and I don’t expect him to. I would hate to be provided false hope and I think he completely respects that. Next week will be a big week for us. I am sure it will be full of high stress and anxiety for all parties involved. All we can ask for is prayers. We have been blessed beyond blessed with support and it is unbelievable how much people care.

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions! I know my mom sometimes is hard to get ahold of because she sleeps a lot, but it seems as though that is getting a lot better. My dad, myself, and my brother are all open to any communication or anything anyone is curious about!