Timeline

We are all on a timeline. We all have a place in this world and we all have a plan as to what our path is supposed to look like. Choosing to look at and acknowledge that timeline is where we as human beings struggle. Avoidance is probably among one of the most commonly used defense and coping mechanisms in our society and I see it every day. I do it every day. We choose to avoid acknowledging anything that can cause us any form of pain no matter where it lies on the scale. The difference with my mom is she is being forced to face her timeline and it has been thrown in her face. Me, I could die in a car accident tomorrow, but I choose to not think about that because it is so uncertain and I don't have to think about that. The similarity is that none of us know details and time limits of that timeline. We all never know when our time to transition to an angel is, and that is the scary part.
I can't imagine my timeline being thrown in my face and waived around in front of me. I know this is a daily struggle for her, but the positive is that only one person knows the amount of time that is allocated to her timeline. She is strong, and determined to fight this. The ironic part is she has no idea how strong she is and I am sure she has many days in which she feels nothing but weakness. I wish that I could erase her timelines and this would all go away. But again that would be avoiding reality. It seems so much easier and less painful to avoid facing it, but that isn't real. Pancreatic cancer has affected all aspects of her life and unfair as it seems, it is life. But of all people, she has the passion in her to fight it she just has to tap into that passion. She is one of the strongest women I know. I get my independent nature from her and it sometimes causes us to butt heads but I love that I am a clone of her. Cause it gives me faith that I have the strength to make it through this. She gave me that strength... Along with her migraines, stubbornness, always have to have the last word, and you know all that fun stuff.

What facing our reality head on looks or feels like, I'm not really sure yet. I don't think I have fully chosen that route yet, but I know it will be painful when I do. I'm only at the part where I am putting my faith in a higher power and trying to fully trust that it will all be ok.. one day. After time heals the pain or we are blessed with a miracle of life.

I hate that this post will probably come across very depressing and seem as though I have lost hope. That couldn't be any further from the truth. My hope is stronger than it ever has been before . It's been a difficult week. I had a student lose a parent at the young age of 15 unexpectedly and it just made me think about timelines. About how they are so unpredictable, but we all have one.

Donations for My Mom

** We have set up a donations account for my parents. The PayPal button is on the right that links to their account. Thank you and God Bless. **

Anyone that has experienced any type of medical illness understands the amount of money and crap that you have to go through with insurance companies. As if the amount of stress in just receiving a terminal diagnosis isn't enough, adding insurance companies, prescriptions, dr. bills, and everything else that goes along with that can become so overwhelming. Hell just parking at the freaking hospital adds up!

The sad part is that the more important things like family vacations, family outings, or just hobbies in general get pushed aside because all you care about is keeping your loved one healthy so you make those sacrifices. But in the end, those are the things we end up regretting. I wonder how many that have lost a loved one have said to themselves "I wish I would have spent more time with them" or " I wish I wouldn't have let the bills control my life and my time with them." I am sure it happens all too often. Donations is not something that is easy for my family to ask for. I struggled with this concept for a long time which is why I am just now doing it. I have had several requests from friends and family that I do this so they can feel as though they are helping. I understand that and so I decided to set up an account for my parents.

She was on a trial in the beginning in which was going to pay for a lot of her medications and treatment. This last horrible hospital run took her off the trial and only added a billion more medications that I can't even keep up with. She has to give herself shots every day along with several other medications.

My parents are very humble people and a little prideful so I am sure this will come to them as a shock. I don't want to have any regrets with my family. We have already been extremely blessed with the amount of support we have received through flowers, food, cards, and just friendly faces visiting. From the bottom of our hearts, our family appreciates anything and everything and all of the support from our wonderful friends and family.

My mom is doing well as of now. She just had her third round of chemo and occasionally gets sick, but is mostly really tired. I am thankful for her progress and if she can make it through what she went through while in the hospital, I know she can make it through much more. The amount of strength she has is amazing! For anyone that knows her knows the heart and fight that she has in her. I am happy she has the chance to fight.

An update on my mom's journey

On Tuesday, my mom was finally released from the hospital and received her second chemo treatment. It got delayed for almost a week because she was too weak for treatment, which was very frustrating. Wednesday was a decent day, but Thursday she slept all day and then Thursday night she got really sick. Friday she went into the hospital to get some fluids and nausea medicine through her IV and she had her stomach drained again. They drained 3 liters off this time which is a lot but it was at least over a week and not two days! Today is the best day she has had so far. She has been eating every meal and drinking water which is something we have not been able to get her to do at all. She said she slept amazing last night.

Constant prayers for more days like today are what we need. Today was wonderful and peaceful to know she was feeling good. Her next chemo treatment is on Wednesday and we hope that things remain good. Thank you to everyone for all of your support. It has been such a blessing to know how many people care about her.

Update: Roller Coaster

Well we are almost on day 7 in the hospital and it has been quite the ride. A week full of ups and downs and pure exhaustion from all parties involved. I will try to provide a quick update but there has been a lot going on so it might be lengthy.

On Saturday (her birthday) she got really sick and we took her to the hospital. They did a CAT scan and found that there were blood clots in her liver which is what they think is contributing to all of the sickness. Because of the clots in her liver, it is causing the liver to secrete fluid into the stomach. Sunday and Monday were horrible days and she was really sick. On Tuesday they drained 6 liters off of her stomach! That's three 2 liter coke bottles! I can't imagine what that felt like. They also went in on Tuesday and did a nerve block where they basically destroyed the nerve root that the tumor was pressing on that was causing so much pain. This really helped with her pain level and she hasn't had to have as much pain medication. The pain is under control, but the blood clots are not just yet.

Wednesday rolled around and she was feeling much better. Things were looking good and the Dr. said that she could probably go home on Thursday and then go in for her Chemo treatment Thursday afternoon. Then Wednesday night took us back down the hill and her stomach started filling back up and she was getting sick again. Thursday morning she called me and my dad in tears and it was a pretty emotional day. They drained her stomach again and this time drained 3 liters after only a day and a half. Today (Friday) was a a pretty rough day again. She can't keep anything down so they have taken her off all foods and liquids and are trying to calm her stomach down. She can't even take any medicine in pill form so either she gets it through her IV or she doesn't.

All of these medications are so hard to keep up with and understand. Really all of this is so hard to understand. When you are in a hospital, its natural to think that these are the doctors and they are going to fix this. When they can't, its hard to justify why. It's hard to accept that they are doing all they can and it induces more anger and frustration. They didn't give her the chemo yesterday or today and it has now been pushed back to Monday. This frustrates me even more because I am ready to fight this battle and we aren't even getting the chance to do that. We just need prayers that they get these blood clots under control and let her get back to her fight. She has to give herself a shot in the stomach twice a day now to help try to dissolve the blood clots. She just needs a break. Some good luck. Something on her side right now. She just looks miserable and I can't imagine how she feels.

Please pray for a quick recovery. I am staying overnight with her, so tomorrow I hope to have better news.

Thoughts

I'm sitting in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch by myself while my dad is home taking a shower and getting his things together and my mom is trying to rest. I find myself just thinking about life and why we wait until something terrible happens that affects us personally to take time to think about our own lives and priorities.

I know it's only human nature, but why? Why is it this way? Before all this happened the things that my husband and I stressed about where so huge but now they are nothing compared to losing a life. One of the hardest things when faced with a traumatic event is reflecting back on your life and wondering why you took advantage of certain things. I know it's one of those things that you don't know until you experience it, but it's hard to wrap my brain around it.

When life is good, it's good and you see no reason to reflect on yourself and your life. But the second things go wrong is when your mind fills with things you wish you had said or done. Life is so complicated yet so simple at the same time. Regret is one of life's greatest struggles.

Seeing her so miserably sick yesterday and, still today, made me so angry. Partly because I saw a little bit into our future and what it will be like in the end, partly because I was so angry that she has to go through this at all , and partly because the cancer won and took away a day of memories I was looking forward to making.

For an update cause after all that reflection I'm sure some are wondering what's going on. She couldn't get any fluids in her body yesterday and they sent her to the hospital so they could at least pump fluids through an IV. They did another CAT scan last night and this morning went over the results.
Little bit of good news. Little bit of bad news. Good first: they said they could see that there were "medically treated tumors" whatever the hell that means. I'm going to ask her oncologist tomorrow for clarification, but it seemed as though they were saying that they could tell the tumors were responding to chemo.

Bad news: there are a few blood clots in her liver where the tumors are constricting blood vessels. To turn that around into good news, they think that this is the reason she is so sick and not because of the chemo. I was happy to hear that to know she won't be like this every weekend. She has a lot of fluid in her stomach causing a lot of discomfort but hopefully after that drains she will feel a little better.

She is still getting sick but is getting a little better. They will probably keep her a few more days. We just pray that her body will somewhat adjust to the chemo and she will get somewhat of some normalcy in her life. Till next time.. Take care.

Anger

Cancer,

I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You couldn't even let my mom have an enjoyable birthday. You already tore our hearts out with your existence but now you have my mom in the hospital on her birthday. You must not have liked that chemo that we used to attack you and now your attacking back. She couldn't even keep fluids down and you made her miserable on her birthday. With a fever and all. You are so evil. I will never forgive you. I hate you cancer.

Christy

One of many happy days

Today is a happy day. Today cancer doesn't exist in my eyes because today is my mother's birthday. If fact thats the last I will write or speak that word today. She turn 52 today and I can't be more proud to have her as a mother. She has taught me more than I can ever put into words. Sometimes the people you love the most are the people that you sometimes forget to tell them how much they mean to you. My mom has always been my best friend and always will be. I hope that I am half the mother she is. She always had the perfect balance between being a friend to me that I could talk to about anything and still being the parent that I am pretty sure that I said "I hate you" as a teenager many times. In my eyes that means you are doing your job as a parent when your teenager "hates" you at some point.

We are so much alike it is scary. I sometimes wonder if we have any differences at all. I used to get annoyed and irritated when people would say "you look and act just like your mother" but now its the greatest compliment I could ever get. She is my inspiration. She is so strong and compassionate about helping others and she has had so many people say the most amazing things about her that it is overwhelming. I know that she will read this and cry and I hope she does. I hope that this post tells her everything that is sometimes hard to get out in words.

My sister (Ticia) and I are taking her to get manicures and pedicures today and then our family is cooking out and grilling steaks and playing silly games all afternoon. We may even play a little dance dance revolution on the Wii but I am sure us girls will have to battle the guys against playing the fishing game on the Wii. But I am sure we will win. We always get our way!

Well I just want to say Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman on this earth. My mom!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!