Rest in Peace Sweet Momma

As most everyone knows my sweet momma became an angel on August 5th 2012. I had been at the house Thursday and Friday as she began to worsen, but was still able to communicate. Friday every time she looked at me she cried as if she knew what was going to happen.  I wish I would have been aware of more signs, but I also tend to think that we block out what we don't want to see.  Friday I cried with her and just told her how proud of her I was.  And how she had instilled family in us and we were going to take care of each other.  She didn't say a word throughout the entire conversation until we started talking about her mom.  I told her that although she had to leave many that she loved, she was going to get to see her mom that she had missed for so many years.  Then she said "I missed seeing her".  I didn't catch on to it at the time, but looking back I believe that she had already seen her.  The transition phase to the after life is so interesting and something based purely on faith, but encounters like this only reinforce those beliefs.

We didn't go over there on Saturday, but Sunday we were all outside swimming and laughing having a good time and I know she heard us.  I looked up in the sky and saw the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen.  The clouds had a split in them and the sun rays were shining through them.  I showed my sister-in-law, brother, and Shon and Ticia said "It looks so Heavenly".  Then as everyone else had gone inside I sat outside by myself for a little while and a hummingbird flew up right in front of me. It hung out for a little bit and then flew up in the sky.  My grandfather fed the hummingbirds when he lived with us and I hadn't seen one since. A few hours later, my mom took her last breath with my dad standing at her side.

Last week as I prepared for her funeral, everything was such a blur.  She had always talked to me about how losing her mom was the hardest week of her life and as she prepared for the funeral she was in such go mode that she did not allow it to sink in.  Well we are exactly alike because I was planning and going non stop last week that I didn't stop to think about what life without her would be like.  I don't think I slept more than 2 hours each night last week before the funeral on Friday.

I have felt nothing but numbness since she passed.  I haven't even had a big break down and sometimes I feel guilty about that.  Tuesday night as I prepared to do her makeup on Wednesday I started to freak out and thought that I couldn't do it.  I know most people aren't able to apply the makeup on their loved one but she did it for her mother and I felt like I needed to do it for her.  It was important to me that she looked like herself as much as possible, even though it was only the shell of her soul.  I had to remind myself that she is no longer in pain and this physical body was holding her back from being free.  Wednesday morning I woke up with a sense of calm throughout my body.  I truly believe it was her helping me through something that meant so much to me, just as I believe she was right by my side at the funeral as I read the poem she wanted read and the letter I wrote to her.

These few days after the funeral have been some of the worst.  Its like the world is moving on with their lives and I am supposed to too.  How do you do that?  I have to go back to work next week and get into a "normal" routine when my life will not be normal ever again.  I guess I will gain a new sense of "normalcy".  Many times in the past few days I have just stared at her picture and wished that I could hug her and feel the warmth of her body and the comfort of her soul. She could always make me feel better and life my spirits. She was my best friend and even as Sterling came down with strep this week I wanted so badly to call her and ask her what tricks she had up her sleeve.  I know that time will allow for healing but I will never stop missing her. My dad texted me today and told me that a humming bird flew up about a foot in front of him and stayed until he moved.  She will always be with us and watching over us.

I have had a few requests to post the letter that I read at the funeral that I wrote to my mom.  The Poem that I read is called The Dash and everyone should read it.  She requested that it be read at her funeral.  Here is the letter to my mom:

Mom,

Im not really sure where to begin with you. There are so many things I feel for you that are too strong to put into words. We always just got each other. From the time Cory and I were born you and dad made unbelievable sacrifices for us that at the time we had no idea about and probably took for granted on many occasions. I don't remember a single cheerleading event or softball game that you were not at. Im sure that there were times that my stuff conflicted with Corys but you somehow managed to make it to both events. You were always right by my side for anything I needed . You were a sounding board for a teenager that had so many questions and curiosities when trying to find out who I was and what my purpose in life was. You supported every dream I had in life matter how big it was. There was never a time I didn't feel like my mom didn't have my back. 

Now don't get me wrong, I am 100% your daughter and I am pretty sure we had many knock down drag out fights that drove dad and Cory crazy because they seemed never ending cause we both had to have the last word. We are both so opinionated, strong willed, stubborn, and full of ideas which at times was a recipe for a never ending fight that we both always ended up in tears appologizing to each other. Now the appology took a couple of days and sometimes weeks due to stubborness on both sides, but we still did it. We are so much alike that it used to drive me crazy and now it makes me proud. 

I won't get into how proud of a daughter I am because I think you know, and I will spare eveyone the tears. I know that on my birthday on Tuesday I wasn't sad, but thankful that God chose me to be your daughter. Because of my career path, I have seen so many young girls grow up without a role model and I just feel so lucky to have had you as mine. 

I never understood when you told me that you were going to be my enemy at some point and then it would transition to my best friend. Now I get it. I definitely thought you were my enemy in high school and sometimes I thought you and dad's goal was to make me miserable, now to only understand you were helping me make choices that I wasn't ready to make. Thats what good parents do and I have two amazing ones.

You were so incredibly talented. Everything you did you were good at and it used to make me so mad! You knew everything too. I have clear memories of crazy food dishes that you would make every night and I would roll my eyes because you knew I was picky but made it anyways. Now im going to have to google everything because I knew I could call you asking what some crazy spice was and you knew exactly what aisle in the grocery store I could find it on. Or if I had a question about gardening it was like you had memorized every flower and plant book ever made. I just always remember asking you "how do you know this stuff?" You were a beautiful painter and so incredibly creative even though you were your own worst critic. Thank you for passsing that talent along to me. It makes up for the awesome migraines that you passed along as well.

Most people would say "I wont' speak for dad and Cory" but Im going to go ahead and speak for them because you and I always spoke for them growing up so why change now. As a wife I hope to be half of what you were for dad. Growing up and even more now I never questioned your love for him. You took care of him and I can't tell you how thankful I am to have a relationship to model my own marriage after. He always had your back even though I tried many times to persuade him to be on my side, and sometimes it almost worked. You were a mother to a son and now he has a beautiful wife that he treats like he would treat you. 

You are a beautiful soul and I think last night was a testament to how many lives you touched. Your passion in life was just to help someone in need and you did it so well. I heard over and over last night that "your mom was special" and thats all anyone had to say. I know how hard you fought and thank you for that. I will never be the same without you but I will never be without you in my heart. You will forever be my hummingbird.

I love you.