Missing You

This is the first post I have made since a few days after my mom's funeral. I can not believe that it has been 15 months since she left this physical earth and joined the angels above. I still miss her just as much as I did the day she left us. People always say "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them" whenever they lose a loved one, but this could not be a more true cliche statement. Something happens daily that I wish I could tell her about or vent to her about. My kids are meeting major milestones that I wish more than anything that she was here for. The thought of her not being here for these things is the most painful part. She was an amazing grandmother and would have been a major influence in my kids lives. 

Yesterday was the second annual walk for Pancreatic Cancer that we had without her . We raised almost 2500 for the fight and I can not tell you how much I appreciate those of you that supported us!  We have been doing this walk for years in support of my grandmother, and now there is another name I have to add to that ""walking in honor of" sign. Just writing her name is a task that sends pains shooting through my heart. Sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe thinking about her being gone. I am not a believer in 'time heals all' right now and I don't see how it is possible for any of these wounds to be healed. Scars are permanent, but this is more than a scar. It's a chunk of my heart that is missing and will be forever. I just flat out miss her. 

I don't cry much about it anymore, I just try to mask the deep rooted feelings of sadness that exhume me. Yesterday I told Sterling that we were walking for Gigi. On the way to the walk he said " mommy where is Gigi?" I said " Remember she is in Heaven with Jesus in the sky" He then said " I want to go to the sky with Gigi and Jesus and see Gigi" I almost lost it and just smiled at the innocence that he was. I wanted to say " me too buddy me too".