An update on my mom's journey

On Tuesday, my mom was finally released from the hospital and received her second chemo treatment. It got delayed for almost a week because she was too weak for treatment, which was very frustrating. Wednesday was a decent day, but Thursday she slept all day and then Thursday night she got really sick. Friday she went into the hospital to get some fluids and nausea medicine through her IV and she had her stomach drained again. They drained 3 liters off this time which is a lot but it was at least over a week and not two days! Today is the best day she has had so far. She has been eating every meal and drinking water which is something we have not been able to get her to do at all. She said she slept amazing last night.

Constant prayers for more days like today are what we need. Today was wonderful and peaceful to know she was feeling good. Her next chemo treatment is on Wednesday and we hope that things remain good. Thank you to everyone for all of your support. It has been such a blessing to know how many people care about her.

Update: Roller Coaster

Well we are almost on day 7 in the hospital and it has been quite the ride. A week full of ups and downs and pure exhaustion from all parties involved. I will try to provide a quick update but there has been a lot going on so it might be lengthy.

On Saturday (her birthday) she got really sick and we took her to the hospital. They did a CAT scan and found that there were blood clots in her liver which is what they think is contributing to all of the sickness. Because of the clots in her liver, it is causing the liver to secrete fluid into the stomach. Sunday and Monday were horrible days and she was really sick. On Tuesday they drained 6 liters off of her stomach! That's three 2 liter coke bottles! I can't imagine what that felt like. They also went in on Tuesday and did a nerve block where they basically destroyed the nerve root that the tumor was pressing on that was causing so much pain. This really helped with her pain level and she hasn't had to have as much pain medication. The pain is under control, but the blood clots are not just yet.

Wednesday rolled around and she was feeling much better. Things were looking good and the Dr. said that she could probably go home on Thursday and then go in for her Chemo treatment Thursday afternoon. Then Wednesday night took us back down the hill and her stomach started filling back up and she was getting sick again. Thursday morning she called me and my dad in tears and it was a pretty emotional day. They drained her stomach again and this time drained 3 liters after only a day and a half. Today (Friday) was a a pretty rough day again. She can't keep anything down so they have taken her off all foods and liquids and are trying to calm her stomach down. She can't even take any medicine in pill form so either she gets it through her IV or she doesn't.

All of these medications are so hard to keep up with and understand. Really all of this is so hard to understand. When you are in a hospital, its natural to think that these are the doctors and they are going to fix this. When they can't, its hard to justify why. It's hard to accept that they are doing all they can and it induces more anger and frustration. They didn't give her the chemo yesterday or today and it has now been pushed back to Monday. This frustrates me even more because I am ready to fight this battle and we aren't even getting the chance to do that. We just need prayers that they get these blood clots under control and let her get back to her fight. She has to give herself a shot in the stomach twice a day now to help try to dissolve the blood clots. She just needs a break. Some good luck. Something on her side right now. She just looks miserable and I can't imagine how she feels.

Please pray for a quick recovery. I am staying overnight with her, so tomorrow I hope to have better news.

Thoughts

I'm sitting in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch by myself while my dad is home taking a shower and getting his things together and my mom is trying to rest. I find myself just thinking about life and why we wait until something terrible happens that affects us personally to take time to think about our own lives and priorities.

I know it's only human nature, but why? Why is it this way? Before all this happened the things that my husband and I stressed about where so huge but now they are nothing compared to losing a life. One of the hardest things when faced with a traumatic event is reflecting back on your life and wondering why you took advantage of certain things. I know it's one of those things that you don't know until you experience it, but it's hard to wrap my brain around it.

When life is good, it's good and you see no reason to reflect on yourself and your life. But the second things go wrong is when your mind fills with things you wish you had said or done. Life is so complicated yet so simple at the same time. Regret is one of life's greatest struggles.

Seeing her so miserably sick yesterday and, still today, made me so angry. Partly because I saw a little bit into our future and what it will be like in the end, partly because I was so angry that she has to go through this at all , and partly because the cancer won and took away a day of memories I was looking forward to making.

For an update cause after all that reflection I'm sure some are wondering what's going on. She couldn't get any fluids in her body yesterday and they sent her to the hospital so they could at least pump fluids through an IV. They did another CAT scan last night and this morning went over the results.
Little bit of good news. Little bit of bad news. Good first: they said they could see that there were "medically treated tumors" whatever the hell that means. I'm going to ask her oncologist tomorrow for clarification, but it seemed as though they were saying that they could tell the tumors were responding to chemo.

Bad news: there are a few blood clots in her liver where the tumors are constricting blood vessels. To turn that around into good news, they think that this is the reason she is so sick and not because of the chemo. I was happy to hear that to know she won't be like this every weekend. She has a lot of fluid in her stomach causing a lot of discomfort but hopefully after that drains she will feel a little better.

She is still getting sick but is getting a little better. They will probably keep her a few more days. We just pray that her body will somewhat adjust to the chemo and she will get somewhat of some normalcy in her life. Till next time.. Take care.

Anger

Cancer,

I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You couldn't even let my mom have an enjoyable birthday. You already tore our hearts out with your existence but now you have my mom in the hospital on her birthday. You must not have liked that chemo that we used to attack you and now your attacking back. She couldn't even keep fluids down and you made her miserable on her birthday. With a fever and all. You are so evil. I will never forgive you. I hate you cancer.

Christy

One of many happy days

Today is a happy day. Today cancer doesn't exist in my eyes because today is my mother's birthday. If fact thats the last I will write or speak that word today. She turn 52 today and I can't be more proud to have her as a mother. She has taught me more than I can ever put into words. Sometimes the people you love the most are the people that you sometimes forget to tell them how much they mean to you. My mom has always been my best friend and always will be. I hope that I am half the mother she is. She always had the perfect balance between being a friend to me that I could talk to about anything and still being the parent that I am pretty sure that I said "I hate you" as a teenager many times. In my eyes that means you are doing your job as a parent when your teenager "hates" you at some point.

We are so much alike it is scary. I sometimes wonder if we have any differences at all. I used to get annoyed and irritated when people would say "you look and act just like your mother" but now its the greatest compliment I could ever get. She is my inspiration. She is so strong and compassionate about helping others and she has had so many people say the most amazing things about her that it is overwhelming. I know that she will read this and cry and I hope she does. I hope that this post tells her everything that is sometimes hard to get out in words.

My sister (Ticia) and I are taking her to get manicures and pedicures today and then our family is cooking out and grilling steaks and playing silly games all afternoon. We may even play a little dance dance revolution on the Wii but I am sure us girls will have to battle the guys against playing the fishing game on the Wii. But I am sure we will win. We always get our way!

Well I just want to say Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman on this earth. My mom!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Our World Turned Upside Down

I started this blog partly for myself, but also to share my mothers journey in this battle against pancreatic cancer. I am posting a couple of blogs I wrote before I was ready to share with everyone because I believe in being transparent. This is our reality and there is no point in hiding from it.

12/06

I am 13 weeks pregnant and it is the worst week of my life. It's amazing how your world can be turned upside down in a matter of days. On Tuesday 01/03/2012, we received confirmation that my mother, age 51, is suffering from stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The same viscous disease that took my grandmother from us at the early age of 51 and now my mother will be taken from it. The emotions of shock, anger, sadness, and complete numbness have encompassed every bit of my family's body. I don't understand it and contribute it to the workings of the devil, but then try to remember that He has a plan and we can't always understand that plan. That is where faith comes in. My faith is strong but some days it is weak. I ask the question why too many times in a day; why her, why my family, why now, why this kind of cancer? I prayed that God give us any other cancer but this. I want to say "Really God? You made her watch her mother go through this and suffer from it and now you are making her go through it?" How is that fair?

A lot of people don't know much about pancreatic cancer and how horrible it is. People tell you "oh she can beat this and we will be praying for her to be cancer free." While I want to stay positive and I know it is nothing but support, I can't help but see the negative. I know my mom has everything needed to fight this, and if anyone can fight it its her. But when you are fighting a monster that has more strength, power, and evilness than you, the fight will only last so long. Only 3 out of every 100 people diagnosed live to 5 years and the average life span with treatment is 9-12 months.

Life without my mom is a life I don't want to live. I am not even at a point where I accept this and don't know that I ever will be. I want to wake up from this horrible dream, only its not a dream, its reality. My reality. This is going to be the hardest journey I have ever been on. I'm scared, but no where even close to how scared she is. It's just not her time.

Prayer, faith, hope, love, friends, and family are all we have to fight this. Please help us fight this battle.

01/08/2012

Today I am better. A little bit stronger but still wearing a heavy heart. Physically I'm not feeling so hot because I have had this horrible stomach bug that rocked my weekend but its passing.

It's weird how I feel like my whole world has stopped but everyone else is still going on with their lives. I want the world to stop with me and fix this. As a counselor I help other work through life struggles and disappointments and often wonder why some can't cope and move on. Now I know. I'm just mad now. I have a lot of anger inside me and I get angry at people who are choosing to destroy their bodies when she isn't given a choice. We take advantage of our lives and our bodies and never think it will happen to us.

It's hard to accept when people tell you to be thankful for the time you have had with her and not everyone gets that time. While that is true, its not fair. Its not fair for them and its not fair for me that many others get their parents for the majority of their lives. I know life isn't fair, but this is just cruel.

My question now is how do I cope? I have the faith and trust that He is going to get us through this but I don't know how to cope. I try being strong, but I feel so weak. I try being positive, but can't help from seeing the negative. Today is an angry day if you can't already tell. I am sure I will have more angry days, sad days, and happy days.