Our World Turned Upside Down

I started this blog partly for myself, but also to share my mothers journey in this battle against pancreatic cancer. I am posting a couple of blogs I wrote before I was ready to share with everyone because I believe in being transparent. This is our reality and there is no point in hiding from it.

12/06

I am 13 weeks pregnant and it is the worst week of my life. It's amazing how your world can be turned upside down in a matter of days. On Tuesday 01/03/2012, we received confirmation that my mother, age 51, is suffering from stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The same viscous disease that took my grandmother from us at the early age of 51 and now my mother will be taken from it. The emotions of shock, anger, sadness, and complete numbness have encompassed every bit of my family's body. I don't understand it and contribute it to the workings of the devil, but then try to remember that He has a plan and we can't always understand that plan. That is where faith comes in. My faith is strong but some days it is weak. I ask the question why too many times in a day; why her, why my family, why now, why this kind of cancer? I prayed that God give us any other cancer but this. I want to say "Really God? You made her watch her mother go through this and suffer from it and now you are making her go through it?" How is that fair?

A lot of people don't know much about pancreatic cancer and how horrible it is. People tell you "oh she can beat this and we will be praying for her to be cancer free." While I want to stay positive and I know it is nothing but support, I can't help but see the negative. I know my mom has everything needed to fight this, and if anyone can fight it its her. But when you are fighting a monster that has more strength, power, and evilness than you, the fight will only last so long. Only 3 out of every 100 people diagnosed live to 5 years and the average life span with treatment is 9-12 months.

Life without my mom is a life I don't want to live. I am not even at a point where I accept this and don't know that I ever will be. I want to wake up from this horrible dream, only its not a dream, its reality. My reality. This is going to be the hardest journey I have ever been on. I'm scared, but no where even close to how scared she is. It's just not her time.

Prayer, faith, hope, love, friends, and family are all we have to fight this. Please help us fight this battle.

01/08/2012

Today I am better. A little bit stronger but still wearing a heavy heart. Physically I'm not feeling so hot because I have had this horrible stomach bug that rocked my weekend but its passing.

It's weird how I feel like my whole world has stopped but everyone else is still going on with their lives. I want the world to stop with me and fix this. As a counselor I help other work through life struggles and disappointments and often wonder why some can't cope and move on. Now I know. I'm just mad now. I have a lot of anger inside me and I get angry at people who are choosing to destroy their bodies when she isn't given a choice. We take advantage of our lives and our bodies and never think it will happen to us.

It's hard to accept when people tell you to be thankful for the time you have had with her and not everyone gets that time. While that is true, its not fair. Its not fair for them and its not fair for me that many others get their parents for the majority of their lives. I know life isn't fair, but this is just cruel.

My question now is how do I cope? I have the faith and trust that He is going to get us through this but I don't know how to cope. I try being strong, but I feel so weak. I try being positive, but can't help from seeing the negative. Today is an angry day if you can't already tell. I am sure I will have more angry days, sad days, and happy days.