Thoughts

I'm sitting in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch by myself while my dad is home taking a shower and getting his things together and my mom is trying to rest. I find myself just thinking about life and why we wait until something terrible happens that affects us personally to take time to think about our own lives and priorities.

I know it's only human nature, but why? Why is it this way? Before all this happened the things that my husband and I stressed about where so huge but now they are nothing compared to losing a life. One of the hardest things when faced with a traumatic event is reflecting back on your life and wondering why you took advantage of certain things. I know it's one of those things that you don't know until you experience it, but it's hard to wrap my brain around it.

When life is good, it's good and you see no reason to reflect on yourself and your life. But the second things go wrong is when your mind fills with things you wish you had said or done. Life is so complicated yet so simple at the same time. Regret is one of life's greatest struggles.

Seeing her so miserably sick yesterday and, still today, made me so angry. Partly because I saw a little bit into our future and what it will be like in the end, partly because I was so angry that she has to go through this at all , and partly because the cancer won and took away a day of memories I was looking forward to making.

For an update cause after all that reflection I'm sure some are wondering what's going on. She couldn't get any fluids in her body yesterday and they sent her to the hospital so they could at least pump fluids through an IV. They did another CAT scan last night and this morning went over the results.
Little bit of good news. Little bit of bad news. Good first: they said they could see that there were "medically treated tumors" whatever the hell that means. I'm going to ask her oncologist tomorrow for clarification, but it seemed as though they were saying that they could tell the tumors were responding to chemo.

Bad news: there are a few blood clots in her liver where the tumors are constricting blood vessels. To turn that around into good news, they think that this is the reason she is so sick and not because of the chemo. I was happy to hear that to know she won't be like this every weekend. She has a lot of fluid in her stomach causing a lot of discomfort but hopefully after that drains she will feel a little better.

She is still getting sick but is getting a little better. They will probably keep her a few more days. We just pray that her body will somewhat adjust to the chemo and she will get somewhat of some normalcy in her life. Till next time.. Take care.