Timeline

We are all on a timeline. We all have a place in this world and we all have a plan as to what our path is supposed to look like. Choosing to look at and acknowledge that timeline is where we as human beings struggle. Avoidance is probably among one of the most commonly used defense and coping mechanisms in our society and I see it every day. I do it every day. We choose to avoid acknowledging anything that can cause us any form of pain no matter where it lies on the scale. The difference with my mom is she is being forced to face her timeline and it has been thrown in her face. Me, I could die in a car accident tomorrow, but I choose to not think about that because it is so uncertain and I don't have to think about that. The similarity is that none of us know details and time limits of that timeline. We all never know when our time to transition to an angel is, and that is the scary part.
I can't imagine my timeline being thrown in my face and waived around in front of me. I know this is a daily struggle for her, but the positive is that only one person knows the amount of time that is allocated to her timeline. She is strong, and determined to fight this. The ironic part is she has no idea how strong she is and I am sure she has many days in which she feels nothing but weakness. I wish that I could erase her timelines and this would all go away. But again that would be avoiding reality. It seems so much easier and less painful to avoid facing it, but that isn't real. Pancreatic cancer has affected all aspects of her life and unfair as it seems, it is life. But of all people, she has the passion in her to fight it she just has to tap into that passion. She is one of the strongest women I know. I get my independent nature from her and it sometimes causes us to butt heads but I love that I am a clone of her. Cause it gives me faith that I have the strength to make it through this. She gave me that strength... Along with her migraines, stubbornness, always have to have the last word, and you know all that fun stuff.

What facing our reality head on looks or feels like, I'm not really sure yet. I don't think I have fully chosen that route yet, but I know it will be painful when I do. I'm only at the part where I am putting my faith in a higher power and trying to fully trust that it will all be ok.. one day. After time heals the pain or we are blessed with a miracle of life.

I hate that this post will probably come across very depressing and seem as though I have lost hope. That couldn't be any further from the truth. My hope is stronger than it ever has been before . It's been a difficult week. I had a student lose a parent at the young age of 15 unexpectedly and it just made me think about timelines. About how they are so unpredictable, but we all have one.