A Very Special Mother's Day

This is a post that I have been working on for a while, and I wanted to post it yesterday but I have been struggling with this one. Its a touchy one and I don't want it to be all sadness and tears, but I wanted to share it.

My mom's and my relationship has been defined by many years of love, bickering, always having to have the last word, love, deep conversations, trust, love, honesty (sometimes too honest), stubbornness, and most importantly love.  My dad even called us identical twins this weekend while celebrating Mother's Day.  Growing up, we were constantly bickering and arguing and my dad and brother were consistently annoyed by us.  But the second I had a problem or needed advice I turned to her.  She knew everything about me.  She can read me like a book, mostly because I am just like her.  I think like her, enjoy the same things as her, and it is definitely safe to say that she is my mother. Her creativity was something I admired in her growing up.  I was always so proud to show my friends what my mom had made, and anything they wanted made they would go to her.  I wanted to be just like her and now I find myself diving into these crazy projects like she would. We both drive our husbands crazy, but then they love the end product.

I have always relied on her for everything.  I have always known I can ask her anything and nothing is too embarrassing.  Before she stopped working, I would drive her crazy with all of my phone calls because if I wanted to know something (and I was very impatient and wanted to know the answer right then) I would call her about 7 times a day until she told me to stop calling.  When I went to college, I would call her to ask her where something was exactly in the grocery store. Or if I was trying to experiment with cooking and I didn't know what a certain ingredient was I would call her.  She not only told me where it was but helped me understand what it was and what you use it for.  I still do this to this day because I swear she is an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to food, gardening, or crafts! I have yet to find something she doesn't know what it is or how to use it.

She has been my rock during some really tough times in my life and was never anything but supportive.  Looking back on growing up, I think about how many times I was so angry at her and how she just took it and knew it was what was best for me at the time.  I now understand that as a parent, and understand why she said that you are the enemy first and then the friend. I felt like she was my enemy in high school, when in reality she was my biggest ally, and today is my best friend.

Even today she drives me crazy playing devils advocate at times, or telling me to use the stupid netty pot when I have a cold when I tell her 10 times a week that I hate that thing, or when she calls me and makes sure that I have doctor's appointments scheduled for me and Sterling, or if I remembered to do this or that.  With everything that has happened, those little things that always drove me crazy and still sometimes do, I am so thankful for and they make me smile.  Because that's what mom's do.  And she is why I am the person I am today, because of all those little things, and because she loves me.

Obviously Mother's Day is special for us.  It always has been, but we also take it for granted a lot of times and it's not until you are faced with losing someone that something like Mother's Day becomes so special.  It just the way human beings work.  We had a low key Mother's Day and just hung out at my parents house and cooked out and Sterling swam and we were just a family.  Which is better than any material gift I could have thought of.

I just wanted to share how much I love my mommy.  I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day with your families!

Update on Mom

Its been a while since my last post and I know a lot of people are wondering how my mom is doing so I decided to do a quick update. There really hasn't been a lot of new changes lately. She is still going to chemo every week and is now 3 weeks on and then has a week off. They lowered her pain medication a little so that she wasn't out of it and tired all the time, but I think she is now feeling some aches and pains that she wasn't feeling before. She has recently been getting sick more often than before but its no where near what it was when she was in the hospital. The doc just said its just part of chemo.

She is already due for another CAT scan next week so that of course will tell us much more. I just hope I can keep my blood pressure down that week! I know I haven't posted any deep posts lately and to be honest I can feel myself avoiding the whole situation and acting like everything is back to normal. When things are good and you have good news from the last CAT scan its easy to go on with your life and pretend the word terminal doesn't exist anymore. Hopefully soon I will be able to let it all out but until that time I will try to continue to update with the facts.

Take care and God Bless Everyone and their families!

Prayer Warriors

My mom has had a lot of good days lately. He has been able to keep food down and actually enjoy food. She is getting stronger by the day and I am so grateful that she is able to get back to herself.. Somewhat. She has been given the opportunity to fight by her body rebuilding and allowing her that chance. The Devil seems to kick you when you are down and she kept fighting back and is slowly turning the tables on him.

Tomorrow is a huge day for our family she goes in around 10 to see her doctor and then her CAT scan at 11:30. The scan will tell us if the chemo is working or not. Doc said it was an all or nothing thing and it's either working or it's not. If its not then she is faced with a decision to move on to a more intensive chemo or stop treatment completely.

I haven't slept in three days and I don't think the rest of my family has much either due to anticipation and anxiety about this scan tomorrow. She is understandably freaking out about it and I'm just ready for it to be over. I think the doctor said he would call her some time on Friday with the results.

I know everyone has continuously kept her in your prayers, and I truly believe that has played a major role on her getting better. Please send a few extra her way tomorrow as she has this scan. I will keep everyone updated.

Week 7 of Treatment

Week 7 of treatment

My mom just had her 6^th chemo treatment (she missed a week on the 7 week treatment plan) and things are really going well. It seems as though her doctor finally found the right combination of medicine and she is starting to get her energy back and FINALLY is no longer getting sick anymore! Last week they did some extra blood work beyond what they normally do every week and found that she is now pre-diabetic which is fairly common with pancreatic cancer. The medication that she is on for that really seemed to be the turning point when she stopped getting sick, her color started looking much better, and she has slowly started to get her energy back and feel as though she can do things outside of lying in bed and watching T.V. Her spirits seem to have lifted which is the most exciting part to me. She was feeling so crappy that I can only imagine what it felt like. Heck I want to lye around and watch T.V. all day and take naps and I am just pregnant!

She has her CAT scan scheduled for Wednesday of next week and the doctor said that he would call her with the results within two days. He originally said he would go over them the next week at chemo but she told him that wasn’t going to fly and she needed them sooner J Sounds just like my mom huh? He was very pleased with her progress and seems optimistic but of course they can’t make any educated guesses and I don’t expect him to. I would hate to be provided false hope and I think he completely respects that. Next week will be a big week for us. I am sure it will be full of high stress and anxiety for all parties involved. All we can ask for is prayers. We have been blessed beyond blessed with support and it is unbelievable how much people care.

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions! I know my mom sometimes is hard to get ahold of because she sleeps a lot, but it seems as though that is getting a lot better. My dad, myself, and my brother are all open to any communication or anything anyone is curious about!

Timeline

We are all on a timeline. We all have a place in this world and we all have a plan as to what our path is supposed to look like. Choosing to look at and acknowledge that timeline is where we as human beings struggle. Avoidance is probably among one of the most commonly used defense and coping mechanisms in our society and I see it every day. I do it every day. We choose to avoid acknowledging anything that can cause us any form of pain no matter where it lies on the scale. The difference with my mom is she is being forced to face her timeline and it has been thrown in her face. Me, I could die in a car accident tomorrow, but I choose to not think about that because it is so uncertain and I don't have to think about that. The similarity is that none of us know details and time limits of that timeline. We all never know when our time to transition to an angel is, and that is the scary part.
I can't imagine my timeline being thrown in my face and waived around in front of me. I know this is a daily struggle for her, but the positive is that only one person knows the amount of time that is allocated to her timeline. She is strong, and determined to fight this. The ironic part is she has no idea how strong she is and I am sure she has many days in which she feels nothing but weakness. I wish that I could erase her timelines and this would all go away. But again that would be avoiding reality. It seems so much easier and less painful to avoid facing it, but that isn't real. Pancreatic cancer has affected all aspects of her life and unfair as it seems, it is life. But of all people, she has the passion in her to fight it she just has to tap into that passion. She is one of the strongest women I know. I get my independent nature from her and it sometimes causes us to butt heads but I love that I am a clone of her. Cause it gives me faith that I have the strength to make it through this. She gave me that strength... Along with her migraines, stubbornness, always have to have the last word, and you know all that fun stuff.

What facing our reality head on looks or feels like, I'm not really sure yet. I don't think I have fully chosen that route yet, but I know it will be painful when I do. I'm only at the part where I am putting my faith in a higher power and trying to fully trust that it will all be ok.. one day. After time heals the pain or we are blessed with a miracle of life.

I hate that this post will probably come across very depressing and seem as though I have lost hope. That couldn't be any further from the truth. My hope is stronger than it ever has been before . It's been a difficult week. I had a student lose a parent at the young age of 15 unexpectedly and it just made me think about timelines. About how they are so unpredictable, but we all have one.

Donations for My Mom

** We have set up a donations account for my parents. The PayPal button is on the right that links to their account. Thank you and God Bless. **

Anyone that has experienced any type of medical illness understands the amount of money and crap that you have to go through with insurance companies. As if the amount of stress in just receiving a terminal diagnosis isn't enough, adding insurance companies, prescriptions, dr. bills, and everything else that goes along with that can become so overwhelming. Hell just parking at the freaking hospital adds up!

The sad part is that the more important things like family vacations, family outings, or just hobbies in general get pushed aside because all you care about is keeping your loved one healthy so you make those sacrifices. But in the end, those are the things we end up regretting. I wonder how many that have lost a loved one have said to themselves "I wish I would have spent more time with them" or " I wish I wouldn't have let the bills control my life and my time with them." I am sure it happens all too often. Donations is not something that is easy for my family to ask for. I struggled with this concept for a long time which is why I am just now doing it. I have had several requests from friends and family that I do this so they can feel as though they are helping. I understand that and so I decided to set up an account for my parents.

She was on a trial in the beginning in which was going to pay for a lot of her medications and treatment. This last horrible hospital run took her off the trial and only added a billion more medications that I can't even keep up with. She has to give herself shots every day along with several other medications.

My parents are very humble people and a little prideful so I am sure this will come to them as a shock. I don't want to have any regrets with my family. We have already been extremely blessed with the amount of support we have received through flowers, food, cards, and just friendly faces visiting. From the bottom of our hearts, our family appreciates anything and everything and all of the support from our wonderful friends and family.

My mom is doing well as of now. She just had her third round of chemo and occasionally gets sick, but is mostly really tired. I am thankful for her progress and if she can make it through what she went through while in the hospital, I know she can make it through much more. The amount of strength she has is amazing! For anyone that knows her knows the heart and fight that she has in her. I am happy she has the chance to fight.

An update on my mom's journey

On Tuesday, my mom was finally released from the hospital and received her second chemo treatment. It got delayed for almost a week because she was too weak for treatment, which was very frustrating. Wednesday was a decent day, but Thursday she slept all day and then Thursday night she got really sick. Friday she went into the hospital to get some fluids and nausea medicine through her IV and she had her stomach drained again. They drained 3 liters off this time which is a lot but it was at least over a week and not two days! Today is the best day she has had so far. She has been eating every meal and drinking water which is something we have not been able to get her to do at all. She said she slept amazing last night.

Constant prayers for more days like today are what we need. Today was wonderful and peaceful to know she was feeling good. Her next chemo treatment is on Wednesday and we hope that things remain good. Thank you to everyone for all of your support. It has been such a blessing to know how many people care about her.